Lube and Let Lube: A Cautionary Tale
I tried to find a Lube Warming solution.... Please don't replicate this experiment, it was a horrible idea.
I’m tired of being shamed into silence. I will live my truth loudly and boldly: I really don’t like lube. Yes, I know - lube is incredibly important for many types of sex and play. But I have a hard time with the taste and the texture of nearly every lube I’ve tried. Hastily slapping cold lube straight to the genitals can give me the ick, and warming it in my hands first feels even worse. I know I’m not alone here - the algorithm has shown me multiple lube warmers by way of Instagram ads and google searches.
On the high end, we have the Pulse lubricant warming system - a proprietary lube warmer that uses tiny proprietary lube capsules. $200 will get you a sleek lube warmer and a lifetime of purchasing their specific little lube pods. And by lifetime, I mean until the subscription based business model finally collapses and the company goes under. I’m too picky about my lube, and the subscription model isn’t for me. So I started the search for an alternative.
My needs were as such: I needed it to be affordable and it couldn’t be a total eyesore. I didn’t think this was much to ask for, but I spent hours browsing Reddit and punching in different keyword combinations. I turned up some suggestions - but not nothing seemed quite right for me.
Some proposed solutions included:
❌ Steam based massage oil warmers - nice in theory, but horribly ugly. Next.
❌ Mug warmers - basically a little hot plate that you could set your lube on top of. A lovely idea, but my favorite silicone safe lubes come in plastic bottles. I shudder to think of the warped melted mess that might result from me lazily trying to warm a flimsy plastic bottle of lube. Next.
❌ DIY - microwave a bowl of water and plop your lube in the water before use. I’m too clumsy and lazy for this. Next.
Finally, after extensive scrolling and googling, I thought I struck gold: The True Glow by Conair Heated Lotion Dispenser. I felt like a genius. For under $30 I would have a simple, basic tool that I could use to warm lube at my leisure. It wasn’t cute, but it wasn’t particularly offensive. There would be no getting out of bed, no mess - just warm lube at my fingertips.
Upon its arrival, I filled the True Glow’s chamber with 12 ounces of Bella Aqua D’Amore CBD-infused lube - a lubricant that had become personal favorite for pelvic pain and recreational applications. This was going to be awesome.
The first couple of uses were totally fine. The warmer worked well enough so long as I remembered to turn it on. But, the lube was too loose for the dispenser’s intended function and it dripped lube onto my bedside table with each use. After a while, this became a hassle to clean up and it weirdly stained my bedside table.
Even more problematic, my partner revealed that they weren’t so into this specific warmer - something about the whole ordeal felt unsanitary to them. Decanting lube into a container that wasn’t totally airtight seemed like a bad idea to them. Maybe they were right. Between the drippy nozzle and the question of safety, I found myself avoiding the lube warmer more and more.
Weeks passed and the lotion warmer turned lube warmer was still at my bedside - but I pushed it out of mind using my true ADHD “superpower” - avoidance. But avoidance isn’t sustainable for anyone. Finally, I was forced to confront my demons during a “try to get your life together” cleaning session.
I braced myself and unscrewed the lid. The rim of the container was crusted and flaky. There was a congealed mass of lubricant at the bottom of the basin. How had this happened? Was this a function of evaporation or had the True Glow lotion warmer simply cooked the lube down over time?
While I’m not a scientist and I can’t tell you the bacterial implications of this lubricant disaster, I can say this: even 6 year old lube doesn’t look like this when it’s stored in the original container. I know first hand, because I recently trashed three bottles of Sliquid that had been lurking at the bottom of my toy bin for god knows how long (like I said- ADHD). Three bottles of ancient lube, and they were all in nearly mint condition.
I hate to imagine what might have happened if my partner hadn’t freaked me out about the unsanctioned lube warmer. What would have happened if I had continued to use it regularly? Would I have noticed something lurking in the lube? Would I have noticed the gradual change in color and consistency? Honestly, maybe not until it was too late.
May this serve as a cautionary tale - please do not purchase the True Glow by Conair Heated Lotion Dispenser to use for the off label application of warming personal lubricant. I know it’s tempting to try. Don’t do it.
If you also hate cold lube, I don’t have a tried and true alternative for you. Maybe there is some incredible lube warming solution out there that I just haven’t found yet. Or maybe just a heating pad will do.
In Memoriam
As of writing this, I have come to the sad conclusion that the Bella CBD Lubricant line may very well be discontinued. The company’s website links to a web hosting page, and there isn’t a single reputable store online that carries the stuff anymore. It’s a dog eat dog world or whatever, but it’s sad to see my favorite small sex toy and lube brands disappear without a trace.
This lube was good to me - it didn’t taste that bad, and the formula wasn’t sticky. Wether through function or placebo, it soothed my pelvic pain and carried me through some rough flares. Bella Aqua d’Amore CBD-infused Personal Lubricant - gone but not forgotten.
